I’ve got to tell you, my problems started at a very early age.
When I was born, the doctor went into the waiting room and told my father, “I’m sorry, we did everything we could, but he survived”. Then the bar steward slapped my mother!
We were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I’d have had nothing to play with. The first presents my parents ever gave me were a toaster and a radio. My dad let me play with them in the bath.
I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Once when I was lost, I asked a copper to help me find my parents.
I asked him, “Do you think we’ll find them?”
He said, “I don’t know sonny there are so many places they can hide!”
They say life goes on, I say someone is lying to us.
Like, so far it’s been a rough day, I got up this morning, and put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
If you were me, would you dare to go for a pee?
I mean, I went out last night with a girl who was so ugly she was a two-bagger.
That’s when you have to put a bag over your own head in case her bag falls off!
I’m starting to be suspicious of her indoors too, she’s gone on that new coconut and banana diet.
. Not lost any weight yet, but you should see her climb a tree!
I reckon she needs a new bra now, ,I call the one she’s shrunk out of her Microsoft bra, both offer very little in the way of support.
Just the other day I came home and passed a guy jogging naked. I asked him, “Why?”
“You came home early”, he said!
Then last night, my her indoors met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee. Trouble was, she was coming home!
I heard about this guy who went to his doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor examined him but found nothing wrong.
The doctor apparently told him, “If you want to cure your insomnia, you must stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
The man replied, “Yeah, Doc, but my wife refuses to sleep alone!”. Poor sod.!
Did I tell you that the last time I was in Dublin I saw this drunk sitting on the curb in front of a bar, not looking too good.
So I asked him, “Are you okay?”
The drunk says to me, “Do you know who I am?”
Humour the peehead I thought so I say ,”No, who are you?”
“I’m Jesus Christ.”, he slurred.
“No, you’re not”, says I.
“Yes, I am and I can prove it! Follow me!”
Always game for a laugh I followed him into the bar.
The bartender took one look and yelled, “Jesus Christ! You again?”
El Gordo my fat Spanish mate was telling the lads he’s been diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus, he says the doctor told him he has just twenty years to live!
Mind you I reckon he’s asked for it, he looks like he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth.
Even his passport says, “Photo continued on other side
Just the other day he went to the zoo the elephants threw him peanuts.
He’s got this gold watch which he says he won for running.
If you ask me, there were only three people in the race, the jewellery store owner, a copper and him!
El Gordo is one of those blokes who ‘know it all, know what I mean?
He has even classified the female organism!
He says the Optimist goes,”Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!”
The Pessimist wails, “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”
Then there’s the Confused bird, “Oh yes, oh no, oh yes, oh no!”
The Traveller trots out, “Ah, I’m coming, I’m coming!”
The Religious prays, “Oh God, Oh God!”
The Greedy woman begs, “Ah, more, more, more!”
The Murderer threatens, “If you take it out, I’ll kill you!”
The Submariner bubbles, “Mmm, deeper, go deeper!”
Did you hear about the new band named “1,023 Megabytes”? They ain’t got a gig yet!
You know those Yanks call the bog the “john”?
Well I came up with this brainwave, I call it the ‘Jim’.
Now when her indoors asks me where I’ve been, I can truthfully tell her I’ve been to the “Jim.”, sounds better than the bar!
And the answer is,: “Cock Robin.”
The question? “What’s that in my bum, Batman?”
Young Jason was telling us down the bar he went for a massage the other day.
The attractive masseuse told him to lie on his back on the massage table
He lay there with nothing but a towel draped over his groin while the girl massaged his shoulders, his chest, and worked her way towards the towel.
When the towel began to rise, she arched her eyebrows. “You need something?” she asked. Jason excitedly told her, “You bet!”
“Okay”, said she, “ I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
Stevie from the bar was telling us about his holiday in the US of A.
He was on a Tour- Bus traveling through Nevada when it passed the Mustang Ranch.
Apparently the guide said, “We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America”.
From the back of the bus some guy yelled out, “Why?!?”
Finally, why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?